Facing Fears

Although this is sort of old news, I hit the board during diving practice the night before the ILH champs (2007). It was on my scariest dive (reverse 1 1/2 somersault tuck position). I wasn't doing my basic dive of that category very well (I as getting too close to the board), which of course got my harder dive in that category sort of screwed up. I was out of the practice for the night and had to go to Tripler. Out of a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the highest of pain, I rated it as a 9 3/4. (I always compare my accidents and pain ratings to my fourth grade scooter accident, which of course was a 10.) I was at the hospital until about 10:30. Luckily, no broken fingers.
While I was waiting at the hospital, I was sort of wishing that my fingers WERE broken. As I thought about it, I scolded myself for being a pessimistic. As I thought more about it, I realized that I was going to have to face my reverse 1 1/2 dive sooner or later. I decided later since I couldn't even hold a pencil and write correctly.
But when I got to the ILH champs, the MC, his wife, my mom, my coaches, my brother, my sister (everybody) wanted me to dive. Being the obedient girl, I dove and won the champs.
At the time, I was resentful of everybody and even gave a glare at my brother who was filming me during the meet. (Luckily, it wasn't recorded.) The following days, I didn't feel much better. My dad even said, "You don't look happy with yourself." I wasn't—I listened to the crowd and did what I was told, which I don't like to do. But later, I felt foolish for feeling scared about the dive and freaking out about bruised fingers. (Wally and the Serai's [the MC and his wife] were telling me how all of these great Olympic divers dove and won while injured with worse injuries.)
But now, I don't know what to think about it. My mind can see both ways on the issue, and dealt with the fear. (I still don't like my reverse 1 1/2 and am still scared about hitting the board.) I keep changing my mind about it and I'm still confused. I don't know if I'll ever make up my mind about this issue.
But I know that I have to move on from this fear. (Wally always says, "Don't put emotion into your diving. Don't dwell a mistake. The past is the past. Move on.") I won't get better at diving if I'm scared of a dive. So right now, I'm just going to tuck it in the back folds of my mind and face my fear head on... when diving season starts again.